7tavern: My Bloody Valentine

My Bloody Valentine

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uploaded by JennyB

Sound (4)
2.8
Plot (4)
3
Cast (4)
3.1
Special Effects (4)
3
Length & Pace (4)
2.8
Cinematography (4)
2.8

Directors: Patrick Lussier,

Writers: Todd Farmer (screenplay) and, Zane Smith (screenplay) ...,

Release: 6 January 2009 (USA)

Tagline: On January 16, Get Your Heart Broken.

Plot: Tom returns to his hometown on the tenth anniversary of the Valentine's night massacre that claimed the lives of 22 people. Instead of a homecoming, however, Tom finds himself suspected of committing the murders, and it seems like his old flame is the only one will believes he's innocent.

Cast:Jensen Ackles - Tom Hanniger,   Jaime King - Sarah Palmer,   Kerr Smith - Axel Palmer,   Betsy Rue - Irene,   Edi Gathegi - Deputy Martin,   Tom Atkins - Sheriff Jim Burke,   Kevin Tighe - Ben Foley,   Megan Boone - Megan,   Karen Baum - Deputy Ferris,   Joy de la Paz - Rosa,   Marc Macaulay - Riggs,   Todd Farmer - Frank the Trucker,   Jeff Hochendoner - Red,   Bingo O'Malley - Officer Hinch,   Liam Rhodes - Michael

Runtime: 101 min

Country: USA

Language: English

Company: Lionsgate

Links: IMDb Profile

Categories: Crime, Horror, Thriller

Main

Trailer

lorcy
Reviews: 47
Points: 0 (Level 1)
Reviewer

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2.5

PICK-AXE IN THE FACE!

My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

Starring: Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Jensen Ackles, Betsey Rue, Kevin Tighe

The Gist: There was some very fast exposition in the 3D (3-effing-D!) credit sequence that explained something about a mine collapsing and killing lots of people but then no, it was really a crazy miner killing lots of people with a pick-axe to the face. Then it’s a few years later and this bunch of kids played by actors in their early 30’s get pick-axes in the face. Then it’s ten years later and the actors in their early 30’s are now actually playing people in their early 30’s getting pick-axes in the face.

And then what happens?: This film is in 3D and honestly there’s no other reason to see it. That being said, this film is in 3D and you totally have to see it. If you like hilarious slasher films with insane amounts of gore and some gratuitous nudity (see below) then you really need to see one where all of it flies out at your face. Pick-axes, rifles, pick-axes, gloopy organs, pick-axes, severed limbs. In addition you’ve also got grizzled sheriffs looking at bodies delivering lines like “Happy f*cking Valentine’s Day” straight-to-camera and several people (including that guy who used to be gay on Dawson’s Creek) appearing from behind curtains and in doorways in the middle of conversations and basically going “Ah-ha! I am here, and you didn’t know that and now here’s what I have to say!”.

See it for: The extended scene where Rue plays the Nakedest Person Ever. She deserves some kind of award for sheer whatever-ness. It starts out with her having sex with this trucker (naked), then she chases after him with a gun (naked), then she screams when he gets a pick-axe in the face (naked), then she gets chased by the crazy guy in the mining costume (naked), and so on. And I haven’t even mentioned that poor midget.

Level of Crazy: 8. Why aren’t you seeing it right now? 3D naked!

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2010-05-05 06:00:31

canneltoncritic
Reviews: 176
Points: 0 (Level 1)
Reviewer

My Bloody Valentine 3-D

My Bloody Valentine has a plot, I think. Something is going on where a guy kills a lot of people with a pickaxe. Let's face it, anyone who wants to see this knows exactly what it is. There is bad acting by a cast of TV actors, there are ridiculous plot twists that aren't even worth pondering, there's gratuitous nudity (a naked woman even picks up her clothes, only to discard them to grab a gun from her purse as if to say, "I could put my clothes back on before I go outside, but what's the fun in that?"), etc. I knew about all of these aspects and that is exactly what I was wanting to see. I laughed quite often during this film, which I can only imagine was part of the point of it all. But the bigger aspect to this film is obviously the 3-D. This is not that crappy 3-D you see on TV every now and then that calls for those blue and red glasses. These glasses are pretty much clear, using some technology I don't care to look into. All I know is that they are well on their way to...

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2010-05-11 01:00:32

lorcy
Reviews: 47
Points: 0 (Level 1)
Reviewer

PICK-AXE IN THE FACE!

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2010-05-05 06:00:31

Ryneb
Reviews: 149
Points: 0 (Level 1)
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2.5

Movie Review - My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009; in glorious 2-D!)

Alright, so, as explained in my last post, my theater was not offering My Bloody Valentine 3-D in 3-D; now, if you read that statement, it kind of sounds hypocritical, right? Right. The theater's website had said that My Bloody Valentine was, in fact, in 3-D, and I trusted it. As I got there, I ordered the tickets, waiting to receive my 3-D glasses; when the girl behind the glass only handed me two tickets, I smiled and said to myself, "Well, it might be too hard to handle the glasses up front - I bet they give them to you in the theater."

I gave my tickets to the ticket-ripper guy - which is kind of pointless as it is two feet from the ticket stand - and made my way through the popcorn-littered hallway. The theater for MBV was all the way in the back of the building, in the smallest theater that they had. I had to contend with a grumpy old man with a walker who was looking for theater 2 snarl at me, but finally reached the film. This was only to find that there were no glasses in the theater, either. I sat down, totally pissed, and I heard everyone else filing in saying that they thought the movie was supposed to be in 3-D as well. I went out and asked the dude taking tickets and he assured me the movie WAS NOT in 3-D, even though THAT IS THE NAME OF THE MOVIE. Oh, and the movie theater has a glamorous rule about no refunds. Yay for me, I was stuck watching a 3-D movie in 2-D like every other film.

It just so happens that I missed this little tidbit from the MBV website -

Well now... marketing a 3-D movie in 2-D? That sounds less than fair. I understand that not all theaters can afford to have the film in 3-D, but the theater should have the responsibility of telling the public that they will not be offering it in this format.

---

Okay. Explanation done, and on to the movie review.

My Bloody Valentine 3D is, as most know, a remake of the 1981 slasher flick of the same name. Of course, as the name suggests, the setting for the film is supposed to take place around Valentine's Day, but as we'll see later, the film in question has little to do with the holiday itself. In this re-imagining, a crazed miner, Henry Warden (Rich Walters), goes on a killing spree when a bunch of teens gather together at the mine where he worked. Those in attendence include Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles) and his girlfriend at the time, Sarah (Jaime King), and Axel Palmer (Kerr Smith) and his girl, Irene (Betsy Rue). These protagonists make it out alive, although leaving Tom for the killer's wrath. The police intervene just in time, stopping Harry from busting Tom's head in with a pickaxe, and then we're relocated ten years later in the same town. It's the anniversary of the vicious murders, and Tom is back in town to sell the mine that he owns. Instead of ending the memory of the murders, though, Tom seems to bring them back, as another killer is running amok and imitating Harry Warden. Axel is out to stop whoever is doing it, systematically running a generic search for the killer, all the while cheating on his wife. People are killed, and towards the end of the film, Axel's wife, Sarah (who used to be Tom's girlfriend), has to choose between who the real killer is - Axel or Tom.

What choice does she make? Better yet - who cares?

Jensen Ackles looks just as confused as I was.

First, let's get right down to business, shall we? Before we even meet our protagonists, they are already under attack by psycho killer Harry Warden. The movie gives us no basis as to why Harry Warden has gone on his teen-murdering rampage and barely even clearing up why he's in the movie to begin with. Harry kills his victims as generically as possible, and the only thing that is a surprise to the audience is the fact that people are already dying. There is no lead-up, hardly an introduction to the protagonists who we're supposed to be "rooting" for, and everyone that dies is a stock character that was placed in the film for just that killing stroke. At this point (and that's like ten minutes into the movie), the violence felt much like exploitative shock value and not anything meaningful to the plot.

As we begin to meet the characters ten years later, it's hard to recognize that these are actually the same people as the opening sequence. I was under the impression that Axel was just some small-town cop. This is partially the fault of the harried introductions, and Axel's goofy moustache is also partly to blame. Tom is from the beginning the most likable character of the group, but this may only be because we are with him the most. The rest of the characters seem either stupid, or, in the case of Axel, gigantic douchebags, and the only character that really matters is Tom, anyway.

"Little Jimmy did an EXTRA good job on his haunted house this year!"

So it goes on in this way from 15 minutes in until around the hour and thirty minute mark, where people die that we barely know in humorous ways that are supposed to be seen as grotesque. There are very vague reference's to the actual holiday of Valentine's Day, but in all honesty, these murders could have happened on any day of the year. It's true that Axel's affair does play into the story somewhat, but only as a way to get the viewer and Sarah to distrust Axel at the very end.

The killing is monotonous, stroke after stroke from the killer's pickaxe driving me more and more into a drooling fatigue. The chase scenes are not tense, practically asking for someone in the theater to yell at the screen, "You moron!" Most scenes feel ripped out of other slasher films, especially a shovel beheading that had serious tones of Wrong Turn, only it looked like it had been done by a high school tech crew. If it weren't for some of the (totally unnecessary) full-frontal nudity, sex, and over-the-top bloodshed, this could have easily been a sister to the equally-horrible Prom Night remake from 2008. Instead, the producers thought to give this film an R-rating to try and rope in some more suckers who thought the film would be more fun than it actually is.

"Is that you Red Ranger? You know we're supposed to be in the Megazord!"
Ahem, couldn't help giving a Power Rangers reference.

Throughout, I kept asking myself, "How old are these people?" The characters seem like they're still teenagers, even if they are married, and they definitely still act like it. And most of the people in the movie are stupid beyond belief. They can and will fall for anything, given the right circumstances, and paint their own demise all over the wall. There's no subtlety here; it's generic scriptwriting and execution from square one.

The story has no definite tone - when it's trying to be serious, it's hilarious, and when it's trying to be comical satire, it fails because of the blatant copyright infringement the screenwriters have to be dealing with in court. If MBV had just gone the straight satire route, pointing out all of the humorous slasher cliches, it would have fared better, but the plot tries to move the viewer emotionally, and all it got from me was a fart and a "Pah!"

Hmm, that's weird. I don't recall her wearing underwear in this scene...
But the trailer thinks so.

Even then, I could accept the fact that this was just another slasher with a tedious, albeit coherent, script. And then I got to the ending, where everything was "wrapped" up. Just so you know, SPOILER ALERT. If you care.

Tom is schizophrenic, okay, got that. You made it all too clear in the beginning of the film when Tom and the killer eyed each other for a minute straight and then stood up at the same time. Makes sense. But then, when the killer goes and kills a miner deep down in the mine, and comes and locks Tom in a cage, where the lock is bent from the outside, I'm just wondering WHERE TOM'S PICKAXE WENT. Or the fact that TOM HAD TO HIDE HIS COSTUME. So where was all that stuff if the cops checked out the are? Scenes like this just don't add up. It doesn't make sense. END SPOILER.

Where have I seen this scene before? Oh yeah, that's right...
EVERY SLASHER MOVIE EVER.

There's another instance where Tom asks a cop, "Why were you in the mine?" All fine and good, except I don't remember seeing this happen when we were with Tom in the mine, and so a lot of the scenes feel like there's just something missing. It's almost as if we're missing puzzle pieces, that the movie got too long and some scenes needed to be deleted.

The tension is thrown way off as well. The killer is not menacing, almost funny actually, and at the end when there is supposed to be an "intense" chase/face-off sequence, the only thing I was anxious about was the fact that my gum had lost all of its flavor. I can relate this to the film as well, because by about the half hour mark, it too had lost its flavor.

Little Harry found out the hard way that
a pickaxe boomerang is not a good idea.

In the end, it didn't really matter who the killer was, and the classic "shoot-him-not-me" sequence fell flat on its face. The movie offered enough evidence for both Tom and Axel to be the killer, and my bets were on Tom just because the audience would like him more. Either way, I couldn't have cared less; I was just hoping that she'd shoot one of them and get it over again.

Would this film have been more fun in 3-D? Yes, definitely. I could see the instances where there would have been a 3-D moment, and while there weren't really that many (most of them being flashlights glaring out of the screen), it would have made the film a tad more interesting. Could it have saved the film from its uninspired script, stale and stupid characters, or the monotonous killing spree? Absolutely not. Nothing could have saved that film, and I can now see why it was stuck in the back of the theater, and why they didn't want to spend money on getting it in 3-D. I think everyone walked out thinking how ridiculous the film was and what a waste of money it was to see it. Now I know why the tagline was so bad. No one wants this valentine...

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Last updated: 2010-01-18 08:25:39 by user01

2010-01-18 08:19:51

JennyB
Reviews: 36
Points: 0 (Level 1)
Reviewer

My Bloody Valentine 3D

One of my favorite movies is My Bloody Valentine so of course I have it on dvd. As all of you know I love Gorey slasher movies so this was the perfect movie for me lol. The movie is about this guy named Tom that moves back to his home town ten years after the Valentines day massacre. Right after he comes home the murders start back up and everyone thinks he's the one committing the murders. The movie was in 3D so that was really cool. When the murderer shoves his pitchfork thingy in this guys head it goes right through and shoves out his eye ball which was really awesome to see, cause when that happened the eye ball popped out at us since it was in 3D. I liked it a lot, it was very enjoyable and it wasn't your common slasher movie. It did have the same things in it like when their running away from the killer they fall down or run into the door or wall lol. But it's different cause it has a lot of twists and you might think you know who the killer is but it ends up being someone...

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2010-05-02 19:34:39

Ryneb
Reviews: 149
Points: 0 (Level 1)
Reviewer

Movie Review - My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009; in glorious 2-D!)

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2010-01-18 08:19:51

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