The Malibu Beach Vampires

Movie Review - Malibu Beach Vampires

Finally, I get to a film in Bite Night that is actually about vampires. Well... sort of. Vampires play a very minimal part in this so-called "movie," which is basically just pictures and dance numbers (wait what, DANCE NUMBERS?!) shoved together to create a very non-cohesive story. This is worse than campy. This is - not a movie.

Malibu Beach Vampires, written and directed by Francis Patrick Creighton, has no followable story. It introduces characters that don't go anywhere or do anything. We get barely any convincing acting, the dialogue doesn't tell the audience anything, and the action is very low. The only way I was able to understand what was going on was because I read the synopsis on the back of the box. There are three corrupted officials: Colonel Oliver West (Rod Sweitzer), who likes the ladies and puts a bikini on the town budget (plus he also falls in love with a vampire girl who has no real part in the movie); there's Congressman Terry Upstart (Marcus Frishman) who also loves the ladies and has an affair; plus there's Rev. Fakker (Francis Creighton) who - you guessed it - loves the ladies, AND he likes to fake his religious miracles for money (get it, his name is Fakker and he's a faker? Yeah, it was a really intelligent pun). These guys do some not-so-crazy stuff, shown through unintelligible scenes that don't make sense because they're just edited in willy-nilly, and girls become vampires. At the end, everyone comes out happily ever after for the most part, blahdy-blah, did you even care to read that synopsis? Exactly.

I have one thing to say about this movie. Dance numbers. Do you like corny late-80s early 90s music resembling the theme song to 90210? Do you like annoyingly catchy surf rock numbers, where they repeat "beach blanket bingo" four thousand times and a few girls dance to it on the beach, where the song oddly doesn't really go along with their steps? Do you like music that makes absolutely no sense to the movie? I didn't think so. And this is just five minutes into the movie.

The beginning credits seem backwards. It shows the cast member, then plays a scene from the movie that we DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT MEANS. That's generally saved for the end credits, when we know what's going on. But in this film, we never know what's going on. I applaud low-budget directors and unknown writers in their attempts at making a film, even if it's terrible. But this is just an all-time low. If you want to make a movie, at least make sure it makes sense. This movie is just a bunch of nothing thrown together for an hour and 10 minutes to bore the viewer.


There is too much terrible stuff to actually talk about, but I suggest watching this movie as a comedy to laugh at the people who watched the film and thought it was a really good movie. Someone should have stepped in and said, "Wow, what the hell are you going for here?" The dance numbers are annoying, scenes are repetitive, vampires are few and far between, and when they do show up, they have fake plastic vampire teeth and still make no sense to the plot.

I feel bad that I'm totally ragging all over this movie, but honestly, they could have done much better. Even if the plot made just a little more sense, and they cut the singing and dancing parts, the movie could have been a little more enjoyable. But it was just and hour of suckfest that I can confidently say will remain unplayed after this experience.

Let me give you a taste of what the majority of this movie was.


I don't even remember that in the film. But it's cohesive with all of the movie. That's exactly what happens for an HOUR! Please, please - if you watch this movie, have a gag bag ready, as you'll need it to throw up in after laughing (or maybe the terrible bland taste of the movie will make you sick).

Last updated: 2010-01-17 09:58:03 by user01