Captain America (1979)

I’ve never been a super-hero fan, although I did like Captain America out of the lot. Why? Because he was plain out cheesy dressing in the American flag spandex and all. And I guess I also liked he represented the American dream, which is totally awesome as an idea. In practice we all know that’s a whole different story.

Now this film, it was made back in 1979, which was, like, so long ago Jesus must’ve still walked the Earth. And it was made for TV, meaning they had a very tight budget. Without the aid of the now cheap and available to all computer animation, you had to everything for real which is why, I guess, you don’t see all that much of anything in “Captain America”.

Steve Rogers is an ex-marine. His father was a scientist who invented FLAG, a serum whose full name I forgot, that enables the human body to use nearly 100% of its capacities, while normal men use only about a third, or so they said. Problem is, every other subject will reject the serum and die, except for the one who has the same genetic material as the late Dr. Rogers. That is, of course, his son Steve who, although unwillingly, is destined to step in his father’s shoes and protect America!

First of all, this film is some 15-20 minutes too long, and it’s obvious from the start you’re in for a dreadful experience. If you sit through it until the end, then you’re a true American hero and a patriot! To describe it in one word: boring. Boring as hell. For reference, Steve Rogers becomes the Captain at the 1h 14min mark. Up until that point, the film was about Steve Rogers and his life, judging from what I’ve seen here, is not interesting at all. Actually, most of the film consists of chit-chat, featuring a really, really bad script and even worse acting from our leading man – Reb Brown. I don't know if Reb improved over the course of his career or not. But judging from his role in "Captain America", Steven Seagal has more emotions and facial expressions than this guy. OK, maybe not, but at least Steven is cool and deadly and kicks ass all the time. Steve Rogers does nothing.

“Captain America’s” big mistake was it took itself seriously. You must be a damn good filmmaker to do that considering what film you’re making. And these people aren’t. I mean, it doesn’t have an ounce of humor, not one single one-liner and it’s not even cheesy. These elements usually make a so bad it’s good film, but since they’re absent here “Captain America” is just bad. Very, very bad.

And it’s only the first of three films, which I doubt will get better. But hey, if we won’t review the crap, who will? Come to think of it, this unselfish sacrifice makes me a goddamn hero! I was a goddamn hero before, but now I’m an even bigger goddamn hero! Goddamn!

Rating: 2/10

- review by Ventilation Shaft