Crank

Think of the dumbest thing you've ever seen. Now imagine it going faster.

Crank (2006)

Starring: Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Dwight Yoakam, Jose Pablo Cantillo, Efren Ramirez

The Gist: Statham wakes up to video game noises and a Cuban guy on his TV telling him that if his heartbeat drops below a certain speed he’ll die. By sexy explosion probably. So he needs to keep his adrenaline up or no more Transporter movies. Sadly this doesn’t encourage him to just walk around shirtless in a gay sauna for a while, which is fairness would probably do it, but fun and frolics are had nonetheless.

And then what happens?: Purely for the fact that Jason Statham is British, I feel like he has a profound awareness of the ridiculous, a deep spiritual bond even. As such I see no guilt in watching and enjoying this kind of trash. Particularly when you’ve got cars driving sideways up escalators, hot guys in hospital gowns sailing motorcycles down freeways with huge erections, butt cheeks flapping in the wind, and lines like “Urinary sphincter? Check!” buzzing past you like mosquitoes on ecstasy.

See it for: Statham tracks down the girlfriend character and attempts to explain the shenanigans to her. His adrenaline is getting low so he tries to convince her to have sex with him right there in the middle of Chinatown, or he’ll die. She’s suitably hesitant but is soon berating his sexual prowess in front of the entire assembled crowd of applauding Asians.

Level of Crazy: 8. He also shoves his hand in a waffle iron

Crank

This’ll be the third film I give a Rated PG label this week. A record. I had the extreme pleasure of watching so many great films in one week. And “Crank” is probably one of the weirdest I’ve ever seen.

This constantly action-packed adrenaline chase, and I mean it literally, starts with a mysterious man Chev Chelios waking up and discovering he’s been poisoned with some Chinese synthetic drug. The only thing that can counter the poison is adrenaline, and thus, Chev must look for new excitements all the time to keep him going, or he’ll be drop dead in the blink of an eye.

You need to have a pair of balls to come up with a concept like that, and more importantly – pull it off perfectly. Congratulations to the writers/directors Brian Taylor & Mark Neveldine. And this was their directorial debut. I've checked their filmography, and I can tell you they're something to look for in the future. Their upcoming films are more than promising. Back to "Crank", not only it was an awesome thrill ride, but it’s full of humor, too. It got me really laughing several times.

Chev Chelios is played by our favorite action hero Jason Statham. Do I need to say he’s, again, totally badass? But you knew that already, didn’t you? His girlfriend Eve is played by Amy Smart. The music was composed by Paul Haslinger, who obviously found himself in scoring great action flicks (like “Shoot ‘Em Up”).

“Crank” is such a badass, cheesy B-film words cannot describe it. This goes into my all time favorites. Crank it up!

Rating: 9/10

RATED PURE GENIUS

- review by Ventilation Shaft

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Recommendations:

Crank

Do you ever feel like you just need a break from the world? Do you ever just want to leave and go to a place where things don't make sense, and nobody questions it? Do you want to see a man inject himself with an overdose of Epinephren and then go on an adrenaline fueled rampage through an entire city? If you answered yes to all of those questions, I have the perfect remedy to feed your need for senseless violence. Crank is a film so out of the realm of realism that your brain may freeze from all of the impossibilities. Jason Statham, a name synonymous with "awesome", stars as Chev Chelios, a professional hit man who has run into a problem. A rival killer has injected him with a mysterious poison that will kill him if he lets his adrenaline drop too low. Set on getting revenge before he dies, Chelios does whatever he can - driving through a mall, Epinephren shots, sex in public, the usual - to keep his heart racing. But don't worry about the plot. The plot is completely irrelevant. Crank is chock full of amateur camerawork, horrific writing, dismal acting, and overall inconceivabilities...but damn is it a good time.

It is pointless to discuss the technical aspects of a film such as Crank. It would be like trying to find a new perfume fragrance at a farm. You can try all you want, but you won't be happy with what you find. What Crank offers you is an exhilerating thrill that never ceases to be ridiculous. Rookie writers/directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor be sure to never lead us on to thinking this movie was meant to be taken seriously, and that is why it is such a success. Although their directing repertoire consists of only shaking cameras, poor CGI, and countless jump cuts, they keep the action going and actually make Crank watchable. Plus, it always helps to have the number one tough guy in Hollywood today headlining your film. It could be said that Neveldine and Taylor have created the perfect men's movie: violence, sex, violence, loud noises, Jason Statham, and violence. Deep down, I think even the most refined man secretly wants to see a guy cut off another mans hand that was holding a gun, and then pick up the hand with the gun still gripped in it, and shoot the man with the gun with his own finger on the trigger. Not in real life, of course. That would be disturbing if it was real.

Much like Jean Claude Van Damme and Sylvestor Stallone before him, Jason Statham has made a name for himself in the world of over the top action flicks. This olympic diver turned archetypical Hollywood bad-ass first made his mark on the action world back in 2002 with The Transporter, and he has yet to lose his touch. In Crank, Statham simply does what he does best, and that is beat people senseless all while talking in that guttural, rough voice. Like his movies before this one, we are basically treated to The Jason Statham Show, because it is his mere presence that keeps us wanting to watch more. Crank is essentially just the next movie in a long series of films that I call Jason Statham Beats The Crap Out of People. Since this movie came out in 2006, he has starred in four more action films, and has five in development credits, one of which is a sequel to Crank. Statham is a man in high demand, and why not? Men want to be him, and according to my girlfriend, women definitely want to be with him. There are a few co-stars in this film, but they really don't matter. Amy Smart seemed like she was wandering around some movie sets, seeing if anybody needed a part filled, and they just grabbed her and tacked her in here. She only had about 12 lines in the entire film, and I probably could have delivered them better.

Chances are that if you want to watch Crank, you do not care about who is in it, how well they did, how the story is, or who directed it. You just want to know if this film is going to excite you and make you feel the rush you crave. The answer is a resounding "YES!". At a quick 87 minutes, you have just enough time to enjoy your energy high without crashing from an overdrawn story. Crank does not take itself seriously, and offers quite a few laughs that should keep you happy too. Who ever said that a movie has to be good, to be good? My rating (7/10)

Crank

I have to say that I love films like this that are more action than plot. Yeah, that kind of sounds mindless, but on occasion they are a nice escape. This might very well be why I like Shoot ‘Em Up as well.
Jason Statham, in every role I’ve seen him play, has really carved a niche for himself as a bonafide action star. I never noticed it before, but he does vaguely resemble Bruce Willis. Of course, that may be because of the hair…or lack thereof. As Chev Chelios, he provides with a mysterious, grumpy hitman (who has a British accent) who is dealing with the fact that he doesn’t have long to live and wants to not only find an antidote for his condition, but also get revenge on the people that did this to him.
Dwight Yoakam leaves his country music realm to appear as the doctor who is advising Chelios on how to stay alive. Yeah, I had no idea it was Yoakem, either, but then again, I’m not a country music fan. He actually isn’t a bad actor, if I do say so myself, but he doesn’t have to do much here.
Amy Smart plays the only female in the film, except for the doctors masseuses and assistant. She doesn’t appear to be anything more than a ditzy blonde and you wonder why Chev is staying with her other than the fact that she’s smokin’ hot…then the public sex scene in Chinatown happens and well…do i really need to say more?
Adrenaline fuels this film, especially since that’s what keeps Chelios alive, but there are quite a few funny scenes here and there, such as Chelios landing his car on an escalator. Look for Efren Ramirez as a drag queen/homosexual character who helps out Chev as well. He lightens the mood in the scenes he’s in. 
Talk about a non-stop ride from start to finish, this film has it all, including a couple of gore scenes, for those of you out there that are into it. Personally, I can’t wait to see the sequel. In the meantime, I’m sure I’ll be headed out to get the DVD so I can watch this over and over again.

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