AGORA

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of AGORA

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you get drunk with historians? They tell you a rambling story about a lot of crap that happened before you were born. About people you never met. What’s worse, there isn’t even any nudity or hardly even any babes at all. Or booze! Just a lot of dates with tons of numbers and these names no one can pronounce, pro’lly not even the parents of the poor bastards who hafta go through their whole lives as “Dude” or “Babe” ’cause no one knows what else to call them. Plus, you can’t take them out for a beer because even if you go “Hey You!” there’s no bar to take them to anyway. And apparently only one chick in the whole freaking historical town to try to hook up with but she’s pro’lly super tired and she’s got one of those screwed up names, too.  Maybe some people get off drinking with a historian and listening to his story but i was in the dark and there was no spark to make me wanna learn more. Agora was kinda like that.

The thing i wish Alejandro Amenábar (writer and director) woulda done more of is make the struggle among the religions (Paganism, Judaism and Christianity) more fascinating. It doesn’t seem like it should be that hard; there are enough battles in Agora but i found the fundamentals a little too simplistic. ’Gayvus’ (really it’s Davus) wishy washes back and forth and we’re not really sure why, and i thought it a stretch that the religious wars which formed the foundation of Christianity were fought over a smart chick.

You know what this movie neeeded? More 300 and less Troy.

History isn’t bunk, just boring as hell. The story here is nothing ground breaking, the way of telling it isn’t revelatory, the actors do what’s expected of them but aren’t able to excavate the script from the depths normalcy. Basically, what we’ve got here is history textbook film making that doesn’t get off the page or out of the ground.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1/2 Shot

i’m being nice giving this a half shot but hell, Rachel Weisz (29) is in this and i want her to be the mother of my children. Not that i want more kids, i just want Rachel to come over to my house and take care of the kids i already have because she’s cute and it’d be cool to have her as my babysitter. Plus, maybe Miss Demeanor could talk her into a three way after the kids fall asleep.

Before i throw up the shots of her, here’s the blow-by-blow:

• Hypatia (Rachel Weisz)—let’s call her ‘Hippie’—gives Orestes (‘Testes’) a hankie covered with her menstrual blood so he stops hitting on her
• A Jewish girl gets her clothes ripped off in a riot scene
• Cute actress in a boat arena play [actress not listed, no photos, not my fault]
• Rachel Weisz’s eyebrows rock
• Rachel wears her hair up too much in this movie
• Side boob of Rachel / Hippie when her clothes are torn off her at the end—don’t blink, you’ll miss it

In addition to the side boob glimpse i mentioned above, we get a rear view of Rachel Weisz getting out of the bath at the beginning. You know what that means? We get to see a Weisz ass. There’s another Weisz ass at the end when her clothes are stripped from her.

Here’s what i uncovered on the net:
There was also this really hot slave girl. She didn’t have any lines but had very striking good looks. i give you Amber Rose Revah (who plays Sidonia—because of all the freaking unpronounceable names, we’ll call her Sit-on-ya):
The other problem with this movie was there were tons of guys and only poor little Rachel Weisz / Hippie (and the cameo by Amber Rose Revah / Sit-on-ya).

Here are the guys, for anyone who cares about guys.

Max Minghella (24) plays Davus (‘Gayvus’).
Oscar Isaac (30) plays Orestes (‘Testes’):
Rupert Evans (32), bastard love child of Brad Pitt and Bruce Willis, plays Synesius (‘Sinus’):
Sami Samir plays Cyril (it’s ok, i can handle ’Cyril’) who’s like a little baby Jesus all growed up:
Yeah, i know, too many guys. Next time i’ll try to see something soft porn so i got more for y’all…

Drink: 0 Shots

Not much at all. Some bishop drinks wine from a golden chalice.

Then Hippie and Testes drink wine and just after, Hippie gets the flash of understanding that made her famous enough to make a movie based on her. See? Drinking will make you famous.

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

It wasn’t rock, but Testes played a song on weird flutes that sounded like a mix between an accordion and bagpipes. Yeah, it was that bad.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Alejandro Amenábar, Mateo Gil

Directed by: Alejandro Amenábar

Starring

Rachel Weisz – Hypatia

Amber Rose Revah – Sidonia

Max Minghella – Davus

Oscar Isaac – Orestes

Rupert Evans – Synesius

Sami Samir – Cyril

Bottom Line

Historically interesting if you’re interested in history. For normal people: if they’re gonna make us watch this stuff, they should at least add some flair to make us care. Hey, it was big in Spain, if that makes a difference for you.

Al K Hall<br />
Functional Alcoholic Slurperson<br />
(No, REALLY. Google &amp;quot;Slurperson&amp;quot; if you don't believe me.)

Last updated: 2010-04-01 11:20:29 by user08

Agora (Alejandro Amenabar, 2009)

THE SCOOP
Director: Alejandro Amenabar
Plot: A historical drama set in Roman Egypt, concerning a slave who turns to the rising tide of Christianity in the hopes of pursuing freedom while also falling in love with his master, the famous female philosophy professor and atheist Hypatia of Alexandria.

Genre: Adventure/Drama/History/Romance
Awards: -
Runtime: 126min
Rating: M18 for mature themes, violence, and partial nudity.
 
IN RETROSPECT
Alejandro Amenabar, the Oscar-winning filmmaker of The Sea Inside (2004) and the modern horror classic The Others (2001), brings us way back into the past to the time of the Roman Empire. Premiered at Cannes but screened out of competition, Agora was not good enough to warrant a Golden Palm nomination. I feel this is Amenabar’s weakest picture to date and it is fairly obvious to any viewer that the film leaves much to be desired.

Agora can be loosely classified into a swords-and-sandals epic, an action-adventure sub-genre which has produced acclaimed films such as Ridley Scott’s Gladiator (2000) to flops like Oliver Stone’s Alexander (2004). However, the director tones down on action spectacle and brings in ideological themes instead. Rachel Weisz plays Hypatia, an atheist astronomer whose beliefs are grounded in scientific theories and the wisdom and knowledge of her predecessors. In the film, she becomes obsessed with trying to explain the movements of the Earth and the Sun – issues which are not important considering the fact that Christians are at war with the Pagans.

Weisz’s character then becomes a symbol of anti-Christianity. She is a strong, resilient force who will not bow down to “foreign ideology” and vows to seek the truth about the universe (and consequently who we are) through factual observation and logical understanding instead of relying on the “Word of God”. Once again, the tussle between rationality versus faith set forth in the recent religious film by the Coens, A Serious Man (2009), comes into play.

Amenabar treads on sensitive waters here. But because Agora is a film “based on historical fact” (how much of it is true only a history scholar can tell), he has the “justification” to include blasphemous material which can be very offensive to Christians. Ideological conflict takes center stage in this film and bloody skirmishes between the Pagans and Christians become its natural consequence.

Amenabar films these skirmishes with quite a bit of skill even though he is not known as an action director. His camera movements remain fluid but the film lacks unforgettable images and thrilling set-pieces. Conventional storytelling also does not help its cause. The result is a two-hour plus “epic without the epic-ness”. Some will read Agora as a love story between Hypatia and Davus (Max Minghella), a slave who joined the Christians for freedom. But this comes out as trivial in the film.

**SPOILER ALERT

Even the final fifteen minutes when Hypatia is arrested by the Christians to be brutally tortured to death, the presence of Davus, who tries to ease her suffering, fails to ignite that inadequately captured sense of “forbidden love”. By Amenabar’s standards, Agora is a let-down. There is nothing great here, but at least there is still something to see.

SCORE: 7/10
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Recommendations: Toy Story 3 (Lee Unkrich, 2010), To Kill a Mockingbird (Robert Mulligan, 1962), The Visitor

Singapore's Most Prolific Film Blogger @ www.filmnomenon.blogspot.com

Last updated: 2010-03-13 23:07:53 by eternality_tan

Booze Revooze: A Drinker's Skewed Review Of AGORA

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History Is Nothing New

You know how you get drunk with historians? They tell you a rambling story about a lot of crap that happened before you were born. About people you never met. What’s worse, there isn’t even any nudity or hardly even any babes at all. Or booze! Just a lot of dates with tons of numbers and these names no one can pronounce, pro’lly not even the parents of the poor bastards who hafta go through their whole lives as “Dude” or “Babe” ’cause no one knows what else to call them. Plus, you can’t take them out for a beer because even if you go “Hey You!” there’s no bar to take them to anyway. And apparently only one chick in the whole freaking historical town to try to hook up with but she’s pro’lly super tired and she’s got one of those screwed up names, too. Maybe some people get off drinking with a historian and listening to his story but i was in the dark and there was no spark to make me wanna learn more. Agora was kinda like that.

<p style="margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px;">The thing i wish Alejandro Amenábar (writer and director) woulda done more of is make the struggle among the religions (Paganism, Judaism and Christianity) more fascinating. It doesn’t seem like it should be that hard; there are enough battles in Agora but i found the fundamentals a little too simplistic. ’Gayvus’ (really it’s Davus) wishy washes back and forth and we’re not really sure why, and i thought it a stretch that the religious wars which formed the foundation of Christianity were fought over a smart chick.

<p style="margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px;">You know what this movie neeeded? More 300 and less Troy.

<p style="margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px;">History isn’t bunk, just boring as hell. The story here is nothing ground breaking, the way of telling it isn’t revelatory, the actors do what’s expected of them but aren’t able to excavate the script from the depths normalcy. Basically, what we’ve got here is history textbook film making that doesn’t get off the page or out of the ground.

Al K Hall<br />
Functional Alcoholic Slurperson<br />
(No, REALLY. Google &amp;quot;Slurperson&amp;quot; if you don't believe me.)